The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
