he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
