Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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