just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
