Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
