if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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