it's great music for shaving your balls
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
