seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Someone signed my nipple.
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