maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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