That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
