that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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