I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
