Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
