1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
