I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
