youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
