I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
