your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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