He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
