No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
