why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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