I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
