listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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