dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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