this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
