this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
