I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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