She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
