The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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