i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
