Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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