He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Randomize
