Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
