I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.