please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
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There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
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I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go