You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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