i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
