Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
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He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
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His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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