Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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