when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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