happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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