I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
