she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
