he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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