I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
