I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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