Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
