Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
