ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
