no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
