when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
