I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
