The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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