she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
