My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Randomize
