Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
