dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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