Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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