apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
